The Countere Guide to Animal Frens: Cockatoos
Art by Tanzanian Wojak
So, you’ve come to learn more about the most demented bird in the animal kingdom? A bird that alternates between stand-up comedian, best friend, and demonically possessed toddler? Are you interested in learning esoteric secrets about the body language of cockatoos? Or are you simply a true-blue Aussie keen on makin' mates with some wild cockies?
You’ve come to the right place. This is the first installment of the Countere Guide to Animal Frens, where we write about animals that can actually be befriended—not just as pets, but in the wild. In a time when real life is vanishing into the digital realm, it’s vital to remember that there are animals to meet beyond dogs and cats; outside, you might find a garter snake, praying mantis, earthworm, or even a capybara willing to be your delightful “fren” for a day. The animals of the earth call to you!
Cockatoos are particularly fascinating potential friends. Their manic nature—they can be seen in viral videos flailing their heads around like a demon from The Exorcist, screaming curse words, and imitating cats and dogs—has given them a reputation as the “meth heads” of the animal world. Many people have encountered a cockatoo before; they are one of the most common pets behind dogs, cats, and fish.
We here at Countere traveled to the homeland of the cockatoos, the sun-burnt land known as Australia. More specifically, we visited the Walkabout Wildlife Sanctuary in Calga, New South Wales. There, among free-ranging kangaroos and emus, we met Tassin Barnard, a friendly farmer from South Africa who founded the sanctuary with her husband Gerald. She led us to their outdoor aviary, which contained plenty of clownish cockatoos, including “Dexter the Demented Cockatoo” and a silent, foot-pecking ‘too named “Dahmer.”
Tassin answered all our questions about this weird and wondrous bird, including how to meet them, how to treat them, and the secrets to understanding them.
Meet the Cockatoo
There are 21 species of cockatoos, ranging from the tiny cockatiel to the black, big palm cockatoo. They belong to the family Cacatuidae (boring!) and are native to Australia, the Philippines, Indonesia, and surrounding regions. Cockatoos have a distinctive, silly-looking crest on top of their heads, which rises and falls with their emotional state. They can live for 40 to 80 years, often surviving their human caregivers.
Cockatoos are highly intelligent and social creatures. They are monogamous, often forming a lifelong bond with one partner—which can be a mate, but also a bird friend or human. Their mischievous nature and ability to mimic human speech, including swear words, have earned them the nickname “clowns of the bush.”
Understanding Cockatoo Body Language
This is the section you’ve come for: developing an esoteric understanding of cockatoo body language. Tassin says:
“There are two animals in Australia that are dangerous even for people who are familiar with them: cockatoos and wombats. The reason why is they don’t show facial expressions. As humans, we read people’s intentions by what’s going on in their faces. When you look at a bird, you can’t just see if it’s smiling. Beaks don’t smile. They can’t.”
So what you should watch for? Tassin tells us it’s the eyes—specifically, the eyelids around the eyes. When you see their eyes becoming pointy and focused—or for example, focused on you—beware, because that’s when they’re planning something possibly hostile. In cockatoos, you’re looking for nice, soft-looking eyes and blinks. That will show a happy and relaxed bird.
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The other thing that will tell you if a cockatoo is in a good mood is messy feathers. A messy, disheveled bird means that the feather muscles are relaxed. When a bird is angry or scared, they tense the muscles in their skin and pull their feathers tight; a tidy bird is not a relaxed bird.
Another vital thing to remember is to always respect the first no. Tassin explains that you cannot train a cockatoo “the way you would train a dog, cat, or most of the animals we’re used to living with.” For those animals, continuous interaction is acceptable; you work with them until get the desired behavior, at which point you reward them with food.
Never do that with a cockatoo. If you ask them to do something, and they refuse, do not ask again—they will keep refusing and eventually become hostile. “You will get to a point where you will never get that animal to do that thing for you,” Tassin tells us. “My mother always said never get into an argument with a 2-year-old; you will never win. It is the same with cockatoos. They will never back down.”
If a cockatoo doesn’t want to get out of its cage that morning or meet someone new, coaxing and cajoling will not work. Tassin reminds us that “you need to give cockatoos space to be who they are and in the right mood to interact with you.” We all know someone like that…
Friendship Guide to Wild Cockatoos
Unfortunately for ‘too lovers, their natural range doesn’t extend past Australia, the Phillipines, Indonesia, New Guineau, and surrounding islands. Fortunately, people in cities like Sydney or Manila can easily meet cockatoos by visiting parks or simply going outside. Cockatoos have an incredible interest in humans; many of them were pets at one stage in their life. They will often stay around to observe, whistle “hello,” or curse us out.
While we understand the primal urge to feed random animals, Tassin strongly urges our readers not to feed the wild cockatoos. It might be great at first as they spread word of your generosity and you begin to feel like the cockatoo whisperer, but there will come a day when 60 noisome birds arrive at your house…only to find you are not there. This is the dark moment, the turning point, in which they’ll “cause the wreck that makes some detest cockatoos and want to exterminate them,” Tassin says.
“We’re affecting their behavior by trying to attract them into our gardens for our entertainment when it’s not necessarily a good thing for the cockatoo,” Tassin says. “We’ve got to be incredibly aware that these animals need to chew [to avoid a beak overgrowth]. What happens when you go away for a week and there’s no one to feed the cockatoos? If they’re at your house waiting for food instead of sitting in the gum trees, they’re going to start to chew your house.”
Finally, mind your manners around cockatoos! Wild cockatoos, some of them escaped pets, will actually teach other cockatoos human words. This also applies to pets. It’s all fun and games trying to teach your cockatoo how to say “cunt” or “fuck” or even bizarre phrases like “piggy wiggy,” until one day after years of solitude you finally bring a girlfriend home and she learns through your cockatoo what a strange, twisted individual you truly are!
Should You Get a Cockatoo?
The cockatoo is a true “fren” in that can actually develop a intimate, sacred connection with a human. A cockatoo truly might end up seeing you as its best friend; Tassin’s cockatoo, Dexter, is so enamored with her that he will groom her eyelashes. These animals have robust, individual personalities, with notes of jealousy, joy, drama, protectiveness, and even a little sadism: Tassin tells us that Dexter is “more than happy to make you scream and shout and run for his own personal entertainment.”
Because of their ability to bond with humans, their eccentric and entertaining behaviors, and natural beauty, cockatoos are one of the most-desired pets in the world…and some of the most surrendered. Adopting a cockatoo is like adopting a toddler that will never grow up. Imagine a near-century of squawking, squealing, and screaming; ignoring them will only to more destructive behaviors like aggression and feather plucking.
You will become a bird person. Your cockatoo will become a part of your personality. You will become known as a “cockatoo girl” or “cockatoo boy.” While that may sound intriguing, the internet is littered with horror stories of people adopting cockatoos, only to post months later about how the cockatoo has ruined their life, peace, and in some cases destroyed their families. Some pet cockatoos bond with the “wrong” human in the house, leading to a lifetime of misery and unrequited love.
Not only that, but with their long lifespans of up to 80 years, cockatoos often outlive their human caretakers. “My phone rings with heartbreaking stories every day where the children would love to [care for a cockatoo] after their deceased parents but they just can’t,” Tassin says. “I’ve never found a succession plan for caring for a bird that worked.”
If you truly want a cockatoo, it is our official recommendation to adopt one of the many orphaned, middle-aged cockatoos that can live out its natural years with you. Cockatoos go through a troubling “teenage” period; older cockatoos are more placid and genteel anyways. If you’re a cockatoo lover who smartly recognizes they don’t have the capacity to care for cockatoos—which should be 99% of you—then we recommend observing them either in their natural habits—it’s time to book a flight to Australia—or visiting an animal refuge like the Walkabout Wildlife Sanctuary. Many of these places, including the Walkabout Sanctuary, welcome volunteers to help care for the birds.
All hail the cockatoo, demented genius of the bird kingdom!
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