Do Not Move in With Your Partner
Living with your boyfriend or girlfriend is a mistake. It’s a mistake if you intend to marry one day, it’s a mistake if you’re in your twenties, it’s a mistake if you’ve known them for two months (we all know at least one couple like this). Virtually every reason why someone would date—to be happy, to feel trust in someone, to find a happy marriage—is impaired by cohabitation without commitment.
I understand we’re rowing into the fire here, but here at Countere, we’re all about providing the alternate view. Even though living together without marriage would have been an exile-able offense in the societies of our ancestors, today it is universally accepted by Western society. In fact, 63% of young people under 30 believe that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to have a successful marriage.
So then why does the older generation, wizened by actual relationships and lived experience, disagree? By the time you reach 65 and up, only 37% of people believe that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to stay together. It’s not like the senior generations were religious paragons; they began the Sexual Revolution and normalized practices like casual sex, multiple divorces, and premarital cohabitation. But their late-life assessment is completely right: couples are almost twice as likely to end up divorcing if they live together before the proposal.
Even for those not interested in marriage, every measure of relationship satisfaction is higher for couples who are married versus partners who are living together but unmarried. According to the Pew Research Center, “About six-in-ten married adults (58%) say things are going very well in their marriage; 41% of cohabiters say the same about their relationship.” The poll went on to find that married adults were more likely than cohabiters “to say they have a great deal of trust in their spouse or partner to be faithful to them, act in their best interest, always tell them the truth, and handle money responsibly.”
If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you’ve lived with at least one partner in your life—around 61% of all adults have. Did you end up staying together? While living with your fiancée or someone you co-parent with is a great idea, it’s just as likely that the relationship ended with nothing to show; studies show that within five years, half of all premarital cohabiting relationships end.
In the worst cases, uncommitted cohabitations resemble a train derailment. These are a few situations I’ve personally witnessed in my many years: a girlfriend living with her boyfriend for four years, helping pull him out of $100,000 in debt, only to watch him throw a tantrum when she brings up marriage; a 20something girl who’s lived for four years with an older boyfriend who still refuses to call her his “girlfriend”; a young couple disastrously breaking up within one month of signing a lease on an apartment, forcing the boyfriend to listen to thumps from his girlfriend’s room for the rest of the year.
“Patience is the greatest of all virtues.”
Let’s start with the young woman who moves in with her partner, anticipating this might help take their relationship to the next level. She’s not deluded—polls show that nearly 60% of all unmarried cohabiters say they would like to get married one day. But the reality shows that unmarried couples who live together are actually more likely to be in relationships where one partner is much less committed, according to a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. To no one’s surprise, in a full two-thirds of the cases, it was the guy who was significantly less committed.
While in modern logic the idea of “test-driving” the car before you buy it seems incontrovertible, there’s also the counter-idea of not living with your car salesman while you decide whether to make a purchase or not. Glamour actually gave a good insight into the male mind when they asked guys why moving in can neuter marriage proposals: “A guy already feels committed at that point and doesn't feel like he has to take the next step,” one said. Another man stated that “when you live together, you learn even more about each other. A wedding doesn't seem as significant if you already have the special part behind you.” Ditto for the man who doesn’t even need to call his partner his girlfriend because she gifts him a relationship in everything but name—sex, love, nurturing, exclusivity.
It actually appears that getting engaged before moving in with your partner is the secret key to staying together. A 2008 study published in The Journal of Marriage and Family analyzed the divorce rate among more than 600 couples who married during the 1990s. They found that those who got engaged before living with their future spouse were 45 percent less likely to break up. Even The New York Times concedes what the science says: a marriage has a statistically significant higher chance of failing if the couple has lived together before a commitment was made.
If you do renege, living together makes breaking up even messier. Maybe you just signed a lease together. Maybe you share a dog or ferret. On the other hand, because it’s harder to get out of a relationship when you’re living together, many couples end up prolonging relationships way past their expiration dates. While you may not end up fist-fighting over the Xbox, there will be heartbreak and disappointment as you watch your lover pack their things and leave—or come home to finds yours exploded across the lawn.
And if it doesn’t work out, moving in together actually harms your future partners and relationships. Psychologists in mainstream academia like University of Denver professor Scott Stanley have acknowledged the effect of baggage on future relationships. “People are spending more and more time with consequential relationship experiences prior to when they were ready to settle down,” Stanley said in an interview with Time. “A lot of that stuff in those years (like the 20s) isn’t nothing. It’s stuff that for some—though not all, by any means—will have effects that last.”
“Only those who are patient shall receive their rewards in full, without Hisaab (without limit, calculation, and estimation).”
Stanley’s research dispels the myth of the “blank slate.” Past relationships, particularly those in which couples lived together, do have an adverse effect on future relationships. “Not everything stays in Vegas,” he warns. While we live in a thoroughly modern world in which it’s nearly impossible to not have prior relationships, we can limit emotional devastation by not fully closing the gap with our partners until a commitment has been made.
Any reasonable person would look at the statistics long-term and conclude that a better way to sustain a successful relationship, especially if the intention is a successful marriage, with the long intention of raising a family and building a legacy, would be not to move in together. Premarital cohabitation de-incentivizes commitment; it increases divorce rates; and it makes potential breakups even messier than they already are. It can also damage future romantic relationships.
These days, there’s not many of us willing to chase patience. We live in an instant gratification society where we refuse to consider the consequences of our actions and invent ideologies to mask our hedonism. The cautionary signs are all around us. Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly have been dating for two years; after going from wearing an engagement ring of thorns (so that she’ll bleed if she tries to take it off), Fox is now complaining to friends she actually wants “to get to know him for who he is” amidst rumors of her fiancée constantly cheating.
If we set an example for young people that anything goes in matters of sex and love, where do we draw the line? Is there ever a time where we should impose limits on our children pursuing things that feel good, are pleasurable, and yet ultimately corrosive to the soul?
Perhaps there’s a reason why nearly all religions condemn premarital cohabitation. Religions—which, other than the word of God, could be interpreted as the collective moral insights of our ancestors gleaned over hundreds of generations as they desperately tried to make their societies survive—understood the devastation of such actions.
“Cohabitation before marriage is contrary to the natural law and the laws of God. It is a sin against purity, and those who engage in such conduct will suffer the consequences in this life and in the next.”
What I will say, as a very old wizard who’s lived for eons, is that now more than ever, the universe smiles on those who do things with discernment. Men and women who practice self-restraint and ancient ideas of virtue. Even secular couples could attest to the spiritual benefits of not following instant gratification: of not having sex the first night, of waiting to say “I love you,” of not moving in immediately. Love is forged in sacrifice and years, two precious metals that only surface through the gentle beatings of time.
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