Super Election RPG: Imagining the US Presidential Candidates as Video Game Characters
After two Republican primary debates, we’re fully in the midst of the 2024 US presidential campaign. The field winnows faster than people realize; many of the candidates will drop out before or between January’s Iowa caucus and February’s New Hampshire primary, the first and second primary elections in the country. Over time, through a combination of media overexposure and political strategies exploiting the most moronic instincts of the human brain, modern presidential campaigns often transform into Lovecraftian horrors, oozing all the worst shtick of reality TV and corporate HR with a Big Pharma battery plugged into their back.
Instead of focusing on the banal statements or body language of the candidates that the media will base their outrage cycles on, we here at Countere decided to make the election fun by imagining candidates as if they were video game characters from an RPG like Skyrim or Fallout: New Vegas. What is their Strength stat? Can they pass a Speech check? How many Intelligence points do they have? And what is their Special Power? We know Trump can cripple foes with his signature Nickname ability. Does Biden receive stat boosts due to his adrenochrome consumption? Haha, just kidding…
This year’s candidates feature their share of returning faces, political newcomers, and weirdos. In evaluating our “Super Election RPG,” we chose these four stats:
Strength (STR): The candidate’s physical strength. Yes, this is an important stat to include.
Intelligence (INT): The overall breadth of knowledge a candidate possesses.
Charisma (CHR): The candidate’s sauce, “rizz,” whatever you want to call it.
Speech (SPCH): The candidate’s rhetorical ability.
Additionally, each candidate has a Special Power (or several), which range from Trump’s signature Nickname to Robert F. Kennedy Jr’s Bench Press. Let’s get started!
Republicans
Donald Trump
Age: 77
Background: Former President of the United States, business magnate, real estate scion, reality TV star
Strength: 6/10
6’3, 215 pounds (self-reported)
Intelligence: 7/10
“A very stable genius.” Also, his uncle was an MIT professor
Speech: 9/10
“Best populist orator since William Jennings Bryan”
Charisma: 10/10
Consummate showman
Special Powers:
Let’s Make a Deal — Make a deal quickly (sometimes within 24 hours) to resolve a crisis situation. Effectiveness depends on player’s reputation with the opposite party.
Nickname — Damage another candidate’s poll numbers by inventing a searing, psychologically cutting nickname, i.e. “Low Energy Jeb” or “Crooked Hillary.”
You’re Fired! — Instantly terminate any subordinate.
Ron DeSantis
Age: 44
Background: Governor of Florida, former U.S. Congressman
Strength: 9/10
“And then I see him without a shirt one day, and this guy is strong. He’s not fat. That’s all power. That’s all muscle…I said, ‘Ron, you’re one of the few I say it to: Don’t walk around with a jacket all the time. Take it off.’” —Trump on DeSantis
Intelligence: 7/10
Graduated magna cum laude from Yale, graduated from Harvard Law School (does not always denote intelligence, but still counts for something)
Speech: 6/10
“We also cannot succeed when Congress spends trillions and trillions of dollars…The ‘rich men north of Richmond’ have put us in this situation!” —a Ron DeSantis quote
Charisma: 7/10
“Meatball Ron”
Special Power:
Executive Overreach — Use the power of the player’s office to suspend elected officials, end the self-governing status of major corporations, and personally dictate education policy in the state of Florida.
Nikki Haley
Age: 51
Background: Former Governor of South Carolina, former US Ambassador to the United Nations
Strength: 4/10
Received a 4th-degree black belt in taekwondo in 2013
Intelligence: 7/10
Former international diplomat (does not denote intelligence)
Speech: 7/10
Mainstream media has crowned her the “winner” of the two Republican primary debates, for whatever that’s worth
Charisma: 7/10
Was the first female Governor of South Carolina
Special Powers:
Femininity [passive trait] — At the beginning of the game, player receives a -3 decrease in Strength in exchange for a +3 increase in Charisma.
Vivek Ramaswamy
Age: 38
Background: Entrepreneur, author
Strength: 7/10
Proposed a “Presidential Fitness Test” be added to the SAT
Intelligence: 9/10
High school valedictorian, graduated summa cum laude from Harvard, graduated from Yale Law School (does not always denote intelligence, but still counts for something)
Speech: 8/10
Surprisingly aggressive showings in both Republican presidential primary debates
Charisma: 6/10
Has been accused of sounding like a know-it-all, “Human ChatGPT”
Special Power:
The Cheese - In a debate, smile big to appear unbothered by other player attacks. Grants player a temporary +1 increase to both Charisma and Speech.
Chris Christie
Age: 60
Background: Former governor of New Jersey, former federal prosecutor
Strength: 3/10
Morbidly obese
Intelligence: 6/10
Seems relatively intelligent
Speech: 9/10
Brutally fast on his feet; ended Marco Rubio’s campaign in 2016 with a Zinger
Charisma: 6/10
Famously “straight-talking” governor, though his approval ratings plunged at the end of his term
Special Powers:
Zinger — Verbally demolish another player on the debate stage. Has a chance of instantly ending another player’s entire campaign.
Bridge Shutdown — Instantly shut down the bridges surrounding an opponent in the state of New Jersey. Can only be used once.
Mike Pence
Age: 64
Background: Former Vice-President, former Governor of Indiana, former Congressman
Strength: 5/10
Exercises four times a week, avid cyclist
Intelligence: 2/10
Acquired the nickname “Mike Dense” while in Congress
Speech: 3/10
“Boring as hell”
Charisma: 3/10
Drastically low poll numbers for a former VP
Special Powers:
Holy Will — Invoke the name of the Lord in prayer. Grants a temporary +1 increase to all stats. Has a very small chance to cause the “Miracle” random event.
Certify Election — Certify the presidential election by refusing to introduce alternate electors to Congress. Can only be used once.
Tim Scott
Age: 70
Background: US Senator from South Carolina
Strength: 7/10
Was a legit college football prospect until he got injured
Intelligence: 4/10
Failed English, Spanish, geography, and civics class in high school; still “smart” in some way
Speech: 6/10
Decent public speaker with some genuinely stirring sentiments: “When I look back, I prefer to focus on how far we’ve come. Only then can I envision how beautiful the road ahead could be”
Charisma: 7/10
Generally likable Southern gentleman
Special Power:
Southern Slowness [passive trait] — Grants a permanent -2 decrease in Intelligence in exchange for a +2 increase in Charisma.
Democrats
Joe Biden
Age: 80
Background: President of the United States, former Senator
Strength: 4/10
Often seen falling down stairs, but his brother claims that he can still bench press multiple reps of 185 pounds…
Intelligence: 5/10
Used to have higher Intelligence, currently experiencing an Age penalty
Speech: 2/10
Used to have higher Speech, currently experiencing an Age penalty
Charisma: 4/10
Used to have higher Charisma, currently experiencing an Age penalty
Special Powers:
Reptilian Inhale — Immediately locate the nearest child and smell them in order to gain maximum Intelligence and Speech, as well as decrease the age stat by 25 years. Effects last for 1 day.
Adrenochrome Injection — Grants the same effects as Reptilian Inhale if player injects adrenochrome.
Tall Tale — Tell a folksy story to a crowd with patently false details. Grants temporary +1 increases to both Speech and Charisma, though has a 50% chance of failure.
Marianne Williamson
Age: 71
Background: Motivational speaker, self-help author
Strength: 2/10
Overall in good health but not physically strong
Intelligence: 7/10
Highly successful author
Speech: 8/10
Has changed lives with her motivational talks
Charisma: 9/10
Has many followers who admire her for her spiritual gifts
Special Powers:
Healing Aura — Emit a calming and healing aura, soothing the emotions of those around the player. Has a very small chance to cause the “Miracle” random event.
Femininity [passive trait] — At the beginning of the game, player receives a -3 decrease in Strength in exchange for a +3 increase in Charisma.
Independents
Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
Age: 69
Background: Environmental lawyer, son of Robert F. Kennedy and nephew of former President John F. Kennedy
Strength: 10/10
Has a 6 pack, recently incline bench pressed 8 x 120 lbs
Intelligence: 6/10
Allegedly had his roommate write most of his A+ senior thesis at Harvard; was “more interested in getting high and chasing women”
Speech: -3/10
“The voice”
Charisma: 8/10
He’s a Kennedy. They’re charismatic
Special Power:
Bench Press — Lift heavy weights for a temporary +1 increase in Charisma.
Ye
Age: 46
Background: Rapper, producer, designer, mogul
Strength: 7/10
Regularly works out but often skips leg day
Intelligence: 10/10
“jeen-yuhs”
Speech: 8/10
“My greatest pain in life is that I’ll never be able to see myself perform live.” —Ye
Charisma: 7/10
Global music superstar, famous “asshole”
Special Powers:
Bipolar Episode — Trigger a manic state of mind in which all the player’s stats randomize for several days. Player has a small chance to create a career-defining masterpiece, or to make polarizing statements that lose them billions of dollars and have their bank accounts frozen.
Autism [passive trait] — At the beginning of the game, player receives a -2 decrease in Charisma in exchange for a +2 increase in Intelligence.
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