How to Work in an Office When You Are Literally a Barbarian

January 13, 2023 Kate McBeth

Art by Tanzanian Wojak

Get up, go to work, and try not to kill your co-workers.

Every day you awaken with the song of violence in your blood and the thirst for adventure in your throat. Your fingers long for the ax, the short sword, the bow and arrows by which your enemies will be laid low. Your thighs ache for the powerful flanks of your steed, your eyes want only the open sky, and your ears wish for the sweet sounds of your enemies’ futile cries for mercy. You are a barbarian, born to ride, hunt, and fight across the Eurasian steppes.

There’s just one problem: you work in an office. At all costs, you must prevent the Office Tribe from realizing that you are not one of them. Here is your comprehensive guide to working in an office when you are secretly a barbarian.

The Office Tribe has many rules, most of them unspoken. Your employee handbook informs you of some of Office Tribe’s customs, but it did not mention that drinking from the skulls of your enemies, slamming your tankard of fermented mare’s milk onto the desk, and displaying your hunting trophies in your cubicle are frowned upon. Sometimes it may seem as though members of the Office Tribe are playing a game, expecting you to know things they refuse to explicitly state out loud. You must remind yourself that they don’t know you are in disguise and that you are probably autistic.

GETTING UP

Start your day in the traditional way: swing your ax or sword around, practice your blood-curdling screams, do some calisthenics, lift weights, the usual. Your body isn’t a temple; it’s an instrument of death and it must be finely honed. After preparation for warfare, consume your first feeding of protein. Muscular strength is a foundational aspect of being a killing machine. Recall the words of your wise mentor, Sgakr, who instructed you in the ways of war: “Life feeds on life, flesh feeds on flesh.”

Meat is ideal. Pair it with one or more of the plants you foraged from the grocery store—the size, sweetness, and availability of which would make your ancestors scream with joy. The variety of produce available to the average barbarian of today would shame the royalty of history. Revel in your abundance. Consume your feast. Drink your eggs raw. Then comes your first challenge: you must dress yourself in the garb of Office Tribe.

HOW TO DRESS

Do not try to understand “business casual.” How can you understand the wardrobe of people who require pads in the shoulders of their blazers? Though your flesh longs to be clothed in deerskin and lion’s mane, you must settle for rotten fabrics like “cotton” or worse yet “polyester.” Just know that if you are uncomfortable and vulnerable to the weather, yet still fully covered, you are probably doing it right.

Since you must, lean into trends such as athleisure or the outdoorsy look. It is vital to retain full range of motion. Once you have your wardrobe, gird yourself for the day. Just hope that no one notices the bloodstains on your hunting boots. Remember, a true barbarian never compromises functional footwear.

You are now ready for your next challenge: the morning commute.

MORNING COMMUTE

Resign yourself to this onerous task. It is in no way comparable to racing across the vast steppes on your steed. You cannot bring your hunting hawk, nor your hounds, nor can you trade vulgar boasts and insults with your comrades at the rows. If fortune favors you, cycle, jog, or walk. Otherwise, sit in traffic and try not to completely chimp out. Luckily, no one will hear your screams of rage when the suburban mom of four driving the minivan cuts you off. Perhaps you can pass the time productively listening to Mongolian throat singing.

SMALL TALK

Barbara will regale you with the intricacies of her bathroom remodel over the Keurig coffee machine. Her soft, frail body stands between you and the refrigerator. You must edge around her, careful not to interrupt the mundanities spewing from her mouth. She spots your lunch, a large hunk of mutton and roasted tubers. She freezes, as prey freeze when they sense a predator is near. Adrenaline will flood your body. Barbara cannot know!

To throw off suspicion, say the following: “I’m doing paleo!” Barbara will relax. “Oh, I know what you mean!” She’ll gesture to the sad oval of bread in her hand. “I’m doing keto but I’m being naughty! Bagels are my weakness.” Laugh weakly, and make your way back to your desk, before putting headphones on to ensure nobody disturbs you.

The most important thing to know about Office Tribe is that they are an easily offended bunch. Normal words like “shit,” “fuck,” or even “woman” are not to be used under any circumstances! You may find it difficult to communicate without these vocabulary staples. Consider the following alternatives: “unfortunate” instead of “fuck”, “suboptimal” instead of “shitty”, and “this guy, am I right?” in place of “RAAARGHH!!” Office Tribe are also not impressed by feats of strength, even though many of them struggle to lift boxes of printer paper. You must, at all costs, restrain your urge to climb over the office furniture. Office Tribe do not like this and will give you their harshest criticism, an insincere laugh, and the phrase “okay then.”

SEDENTARY LIFESTYLE

Your final challenge awaits: remaining at your desk for the next eight hours. Office Tribe highly values the seemingly useless ability to sit still at a desk while facing a screen for very long periods of time; it often doesn’t even matter if you’re actually working. However, this task is contrary to your nature, which screams at you to hurl yourself out of the nearest window and run to the nearest forest or rolling plain.

In order to bend your will to this monumental task, you must take regular breaks from your desk to walk around. You may also stand up frequently and stretch. If questioned by a member of the Office Tribe, you must say the magic word. This word is powerful. It is the word “yoga.” Office Tribe respects yoga. You are not writhing uncontrollably in your cubicle, or convulsing on the floor. You are doing yoga. Learn some poses and stand up from your desk to do them frequently.

All breaks are for walking. You must maintain your cardiovascular system. As your other mentor, Ygurlk, used to say, rust gathers on the undrawn sword. You actually have no idea what that means, but you do know he made you walk frequently throughout the day. Walking is the most underrated barbarian activity, hands down.

ENDING THE DAY STRONG

At the end of the day you charge towards your office-appropriate steed, a nondescript 2016 Volkswagen Jetta. Barbara is waiting in the parking lot. She glances towards you, a small frown on her face. Oh no, did she hear the clank of battle axes beneath your navy peacoat? Barbara advances, and her cardigan falls open to reveal the flash of a gladius beneath. Barbara is a Roman! Your eyes lock, and the simmering violence in your blood boils over. She licks her lips, placing her hand on the sword. “At last,” she says. With a roar, you free your twin axes. Her Roman blood will soon stain the asphalt!

You and Barbara clash, thrusting and parrying. You each receive glancing blows, unprotected as you are by conservative poly-cotton blends. Barbara stumbles, her heel catching on the uneven surface. She sinks to one knee as your ax slices through the flesh of her neck. You stand for a moment, reveling in the scent of your fallen enemy’s blood. Her head rolls away in the parking lot. Fuck your bathroom remodel, Barbara. You hop into your Jetta and drive away, victorious again due to functional footwear.

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