Due to popular demand, we’ve asked the Blue Wizard of Countere to start writing an advice column. This was no easy feat—he only accepts mail via pigeon, and insists each letter is sent with a healthy bundle of pipe-weed. His handwriting is also archaic and illegible. I’ve been painfully transcribing and uploading his answers using the Wi-Fi signal I receive once a week in my South American cabin…anyways, if you want to ask our dear Blue Wizard questions, use this page.—John Flowers, Editor-in-Chief

My dear blue Wizard who roams this heretic wasteland, I turn to you in my hour of need. Lately, I have been feeling like no one looks at me like I am man enough and I myself have begun to think that I do not radiate that aura which surrounded Aragorn or Boromir which made everyone to look at them with awe. Help me wizard, how do I stop this voice in my head and how do I become better? —Finas

My dear boy,

If you want to look masculine, you must do masculine things. How do you think Aragorn and Boromir were spending their time? Engaging in swordfighting, doing callisthenics, sharpening steel against steel. They weren’t ploughing the fields; they were preparing for war. Remember Cyrus the Great, who would not even eat a meal unless he had done some battle training.

Do you know how to fight? This may be the root of your problem. Joining a boxing gym as an adult is easier than you think. There are also Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu classes, Krav Maga, and other martial arts classes everywhere in this time. My personal recommendation to you is boxing: it’s the closest to “full-contact sparring” and will test you physically and mentally.

Depending on where you live and how old you are, you may never need to fight anyone, and that’s a good thing. But the mindset that martial arts bestow upon you will be visible to others. Any man who has done a year of boxing or similar training will radiate with that inner confidence that you speak of, which can only be purchased through blood, sweat, tears, and snot.

Even if you’re just starting out, the simple act of training will internally transform you. Once you have acquired some basic competency in fighting, you can continue your physical training through lifting or some other sport. You will know you are strong and you will look strong. You will find others remarking how you carry yourself differently, how there is a different look in your eyes now—that of a man who is battle-ready, or at least preparing to be.

How do you tell when someone is the right person for you to marry? What are some things you should look for or know? —bunny d

Our forefathers knew this: the most important thing in a lasting marriage is shared values.

Do not be fooled by modern platitudes like “Love defeats all.” This works in the span of two or three years, not for a lifetime. Shared values will shelter you from the hurricanes that life hurls at you—through periods of personal dislike, financial issues, and the aging process. Some values that are essential to share: a commitment to the institution of marriage itself, the willingness to acknowledge your mistakes, and general agreement on the right way to raise children (if you both want them).

What will be the best country to flee to in order to withstand the coming collapse of American Empire? —Dread Pirate Roberts

Brazil.

I have a lot of interests and trying to find my niche. Any advice on how to narrow it down to find my career path? —Natasha

The best advice, as it often is, is to take action. Are you satisfied with your current career path? If not, begin looking for a new job or opportunity related to your interests. If you don’t feel your skills are hirable enough, commit to learning; this is very easy to do nowadays with YouTube and other online resources. Get to a level of proficiency in your interests where you can call yourself a hobbyist, an amateur, then a freelancer or professional. Don’t be afraid to take different jobs or opportunities, and don’t be hesitant to leave them if they’re not working out. As long as you keep learning and are willing to make changes in your life, you will eventually one find career path that is more rewarding than the others. And when that happens, don’t be afraid to pull the trigger and commit totally.

Is it possible to fall in love with someone you've never met in person, like someone you've only talked to online? —Navi

No.

Where do countere characters come from? What other creatures are in this magic world? Is it a free-for-all? —daisy

They come from the Countereverse. I can not say much more at this time, but imagine it as essentially a parallel universe to ours, but weirder. You would enjoy it very much—palaces float high in the sky, INTJ Lifters rule as kings, and the world has conclusively been proved flat. I myself come from the Countereverse, but after a strange dream of fire and ice I woke up in yours…until I return to my homeland, I shall be working on Countere.

What season comes after flat earth girl spring? ____ ____ ____ girl summer? —daisy

Why, that’s easy. After Flat Earth Spring, comes Agarthian Girl Summer!

Am I sick or depressed, or just in the right state of mind for the slow collapse of a long empire? —Zeke

I am afraid that being sick and depressed is not the right attitude to confront the winds of change, my friend. We can’t control the times we are born into, but we can control the lives we lead. And there is always the right course of action. Even as our institutions crumble, there emerge openings for heroism, bravery, and boldness. Remember that your ancestors endured much worse and yet lived to pass on their traditions. Stand as a light in these dark times not just for those who are living, but for all of posterity.

I need to stay anonymous because I don’t want my boyfriend to find out that I told anyone. We’ve been dating for a little over a year and things have been great. No real red flags but he does this thing that is kind of odd to me. It was cute at first but I didn’t understand how deep the rabbit hole went…. It’s like he has a compulsion or a tick of some sort. He repeats the same phrase over and over. Sometimes I wonder if it’s soothing for him… or if he just gets entertainment from it. I thought it would go away but it seems like it will never end. You’re not going to believe me when I say this but it’s multiple times a day. Sometimes 100+ times. He just says it over and over. The phrase is……………piggy wiggy. It’s so strange. I know. But I don’t know where else to turn. Please help me. —Anonymous

That is strange indeed. I recall such a phrase…oh yes, Countere published a story called “Piggy Wiggy,” perhaps he read that and went into some sort of psychosis? I could cast a spell to heal him, but I sense a part of you greatly enjoys and even desires to hear him speak such utterances….

Follow Countere Magazine on Instagram.